Akatsuki Ultimate Madness Story of Doom!
by Datenshi Kimura
Summary: Tobi is an idiot. Itachi is blind. Zetzu is terrified. Hidan is.....tap dancing? OH! The horror! Rated T for some cussing. No pairings.


**A peculiar day...**

"SEMPAI!" Tobi yelled running around the room in circles. "WHAT NOW un" Deidara yelled back very crossly. Tobi stopped in front of

Deidara with a confused look on his face. "Duh, i dunno. SEMPAI OMG"

Deidara banged his head into the table, frustrated, but only succeeded in knocking himself out. At this moment, tobi was running around the room even faster, and was waving his arms around. "HELP! HELP! SEMPAI HAS COLLAPSED! QUICK, SOMONE TELL ME THE NUMBER FOR 911! ITS AN EMERGENCY! HELP! HELP! SOMONE! ANYONE"

At that moment, Pein in his second body, the one with a ponytail, walked in. "What is going ON?" he yelled as Zetzu followed him in.

"SEMPAI IS DYING!" Tobi screetched in utter dispair. Zetzu suddenly took a good look at Pein and screetched, then his flytrap snapped shut in horror. "What is it?" Pein asked, looking around.

"OMG!" Zetzu #1 screeched. "It is Deidara's and Sir Leaders Love Child! RUN AWAAAY!" Zetzu #2 yelled.

"YOU IDIOT!" Pein yelled. "It is me, Pein"

Zetzu's flytrap opened slowly to reveal a very confused pair of Zetzu's. "W-who is this Pein you just mentioned"

Pein slapped his forehead with his hand. "I am Pein, your LEADER"

Zetzu and Tobi, who had completely forgotten about Deidara, were both confused. "You didn't know who your own leader was?" Pein asked, astonished.

"No, you kept your identity a secret remember?" Zetzu #2 yelled.

Pein sighed heavily. "Well, at least Blue knows who i am"

"I AM NOT BLUE!" she yelled, and everyone turned to see her in the doorway. "I AM KONAN!" Pein looked very confused at this point, but then looked very annoyed.

"If anyone ELSE has a completly different name, say it now"

"I AM OBITO AND I'M A GOOD BOY!" Tobi yelled very loudly.

"Um...my other halve prefers to be called PLANT VADOR" Zetzu #1 piped up. "Ugh. I really should not have asked." Pein sighed, then left the room.

"Duh...what happened to Deidara?" Konan asked, finally noticing the unconscious blond. Tobi immediately remembered his ability to easily overreact to random situations, and proceeded to run around the room screeching, "SOMEONE GET ME THE NUMBER FOR 911! HELP! ZETZU SANS WHAT DO WE DO?" Kisame walked into the room at that moment, overhearing Tobi, and yelling, "OH, THE HUMANITY, OR SHOULD I SAY FISHANITY"

A blind and very annoyed itachi was standing him. "No you shouldn't. We are mostly all humans in here, except we have a shark man, a plant/Oreo man, a pumpkin man, a freaky girly-looking man, a Mr. Krabs of anime, a paper woman, a piercing obsessed freak, an immortal badmouth, we used to have a puppet and a snake dude, and now-"

"AND NOW WE HAVE A VAMPIRE!" Tobi screeched pointing at itachi, but of course, he didn't see. "unn..." Deidara said, waking up finally. "Thank goodness, Tobi thought you were dead"

"Tobi you idiot! You cant die from knocking your head on the table UN" he yelled. "i gots you a present!" Tobi said happily.

"Huh? Oh thanks un"

Tobi smiled happily, and pulled an orange mask that was exactly like the one he was wearing out of a suddenly existing pocket and handed it to him. "Tobi thought that since you also had a missing eye, you could have a mask just like tobi, since tobi lost your scope"

"You what"

"nothing sempai." Tobi said quickly. "Tobi is a good boy"

Everyone except Tobi sweat dropped at that moment, and Hidan walked in with Kakazu. "Hidan where were you?" Kisame asked loudly.

"Oh, i was just upstairs locked in my room practicing tap dancing-I MEAN A RITUAL!" he yelled shaking nervously. Everyone sweatdropped all over again. "Erm...i was counting my money in the living room cuz hidan locked me out of mine and his room." Kakazu said. "I'M 3CENTS SHORT"

"Oh gawd un." Deidara rolled his eyes. "Not 3 cents. Pleeaassseee soebody hheellpp uuusss"

"ITS SERIOUS!" he yelled loudly. "ANYONE COULD HAVE STOLEN IT, SO YOU ALL OWE ME 3 CENTS!" "How fucked up!" Hidan yelled angrily. "Hidan why do you always cuss?" Itachi asked the nearby lamp.

"WHY DO I FUCKING CUSS?" Hidan yelled angrilly. He sighed. "I was five years old. Santa never brought me my teddy bear." he growled, half to himself.

"Um...where did Deidara go?" Kisame asked. "Hes in the shower." Zetzu 1 sang merrily.

"Oh, stop singing!" Zetzu #2 yelled.

"I can do what i want!" Zetzu #1 sang louder. Zetzu proceeded to beat the crud out of himself.

Tobi walked into the room (when did he leave?) carrying a fresh batch of brownies. "TOBI MADE BROWNIES!! KONAN DECORATED THEM WITH LITTLE FLOWER-WHIP CREAM DESIGNS, BUT TOBI MADE THEM! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"

"WAIT-BROWNIES? WHIP CREAM DESIGNS? YYYYYAAAAAYYYYYYY!" Deidara ran out of the shower into the room and made a grab for a brownie, bowling over Itachi in the process. Tobi was knocked over and all the brownies plummeted onto the floor.

"WHO-?" Itachi yelled. "Deidara put clothes on!" Kisame yelled in utter disgust.

Deidara, stuffing his face with brownie in the middle of the floor, yelled "BROWNIE NOW CLOTHES LATER."

Tobi was on the floor very confused. Deidara was pointlessly giving Itachi the death stare. Zetzu had stopped fighting himself and was now eying Kisame-and drooling. Kisame was being lectured by Konan for using her blue hair dye on his hair-and skin. Kakazu was counting his money and at one point, kissed his five dollar bill. Hidan left and refused to say what he was going to do, and locked himself in his room. Lastly, Itachi was blaming the lamp for Deidaras action of bowling him over.

Tobi sighed. "Tobi will make more. Good boy Deidara." he said to Deidara, who was gobbling up brownies in his mouths, and bombing anyone who tried to get one. "Now we don't need to get out the vacuum."

"But Deidara is soaking the floor and dude, put on clothes." Kisame grimaced.

Itachi smiled and turned to face the wall where he thought Kisame was. "In moments like these, i am glad i am blind"

_Jealous Aura_

Deidara gobbled up the last brownie. "Yum!" he said cheerfully and left to get back in the shower.

"Is he gone?" Konan asked no one in particular; she had been wearing a blindfold for a while now. She took off the blindfold, having heard a chime of yes's, and sighed in relief.

Zetzu was still staring intently at Kisame. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Kisame yelled.

"...fish sticks..." Zetzu #1 and #2 said together.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Kisame shrieked in terror like a five year old girl.Itachi sighed. "Now i wish i was deaf!"

"I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE MY PARTNER AND NOT SOME FREAK WHO HAS NO CLOTHES ON RIGHT NOW! THANK THE LORD FOR HAVING YOU INSTEAD!!" he screeched.

But what Itachi heard was "...i...you...no clothes on...right now..." Be careful what you wish for!

"YOU DISGUST ME!" he yelled in utter horror and ran out of the room, bumping into many walls as he ran. "PERVERTED FREAK"

"Huh? What did i say?" Kisame asked, confused. Zetzu returned (when did HE leave?) with a fork-a big fork. He hooked Kisame's cloak with the collosal fork, and dragged the confused shark up to his room chanting "Shark fin Soup"

As poor Kisame disappears, Konan, having no one to lecture, leaves.

Kakazu became enraged-he had been wrong earlier, he was missing FOUR cents. "ACFBYTBNGBHG!" he gasped in horror. "MY LIFE IS OVER!!" Hidan pranced into the room, stopping immediately when he realized Kakazu was watching, a look of dismay on his face.  
Pein came into the room, with the newspaper, and sat down to read. Itachi bumped his way over to the sofa, realizing Kisame was gone, and sat down looking bored as ever.

Pein suddenly became infuriated. "MEETING! NOW!" In the meeting room an hour later, Pein was almost dumbfounded by what they were wearing. Konan was wearing the regular black cloak with red clouds on it. Everyone else was wearing a frilly dress-except Itachi, who was still in his Pink Flower p-jamas. "I-I-I..." he started.

"It was the only thing that was clean!" Kisame yelled.

"I look good-even in pink un." Deidara said.

"PINK?" Itachi yelled. "Did i just hear that pervert kisame??" he hid behind Kakazu.

Pein shook hos head. No, he thought. This is what you ezpect from them.

"YOU STOLE MY DRESSES!" Konan yelled.

"No, I bought this with my own f-- money you mother f--!" Hidan yelled. "uh, i mean, yeah i took it from you but uh... F-- YOU!" he sulked on the floor.

"um... anyway... i called you here because of this frontpage news"  
LOCAL VILLAN TERRORIZES HOMELESS One peaceful Tuesday at the local park, a orange-masked man with a sweater that reads 'T' identified as Tobi, swooped out of nowhere from the bushes, grabbed the wrack of free balloons that were supposed to be for the homless parents' kids (such as poor Kakazu's kid) and took off with them. Superman heard the cries of desparation and entered a state of emoness and sprung into action. Tobi jumped onto a giant clay bird with some accomplice, most likely Deidara. (his shirt had a 'D' on it.) Superman was unfortunatly too emo to apprehend the two villans, but Tobi was stopped by Kakazu, who was most likly fighting to get the free balloon for his son 'Hidan'. Tobi escaped from his clay prison minutes after being apprehended so...yeah... Superman refused too comment on this "i'm too emo" he quoted. Superman moved on to be invited to the teaparty with Gaara and Deidara. written by Nakon

"You see? Tobi! Explanation NOW!" Pein demanded.

"What do you mean? Tobi is a good boy!"

"EXPLAIN!" he screeched. "How did they know who they know who we were?"

Konan smiled wickedly. "That is where the unexpected twist appears. Nakon is an anagram of Konan. We set it up. Deidara and Tobi were impersonating each other-that is how 'Tobi' escaped the clay prison so quickly"

Pein looked confused. "What is this master plan for?" he asked.

Konan smiled. "Making Superman look bad so Naruto wont enlist his aid to beat us!" she replied happily.

"Oh." Pein said. "Good job Konan, Tobi, Deidara, Kakazu"

"Oh, i wasn't in on the plan." Kakazu said simply.

"Riiiigggghhhhht. Well, that did not take nearly as long as i expected but...okay. Your all excused." Pein left.

**Later at dinner... Lead and Konan were too mysterious to eat with them...**

Itachi calmly located the chair and sat down. "Is dinner served yet?" he yelled.

"No that idiot, Tobi still isnt done." Zetzu #2 growled.

"Aw c'mon! Tobi is a good cook!" Zetzu #1 argued.

"and a good boy!" Tobi yelled from the kitchen.

"He has a bats hearing!" Zetzu #2 yelled, shocked. Kisame strolled into the room, and Pein ran in after him.

"Kisame, i thought you were eaten by Zetzu!"

Kisame shrugged. "He changed his mind. He had somthing else in mind."

"My stash of babies are my favorite food! I stored them in the fridge"

"UN?" yelled Deidara who had been sitting listening. "ZOMG"

Tobi strolled into the room, carrying sushi. "Baby, Zetzu-san"

"Yyyeeeesssss." he replied, drooling.

Deidara was pale. Tobi became worried. "Sempai, whats wrong? Tobi made sushi for all your mouths this time"

"What have i been EATING for the past two weeks"

"Baby!" Zetzu #1 said simply. Dei fainted. "Oh god..." Zetzu #2 said.

"GOD? Religion? Where?" Hidan asked suddenly.

"Shut UP you assholes!" Tobi yelled. "Cant you see Deidara chan is dying again? Somone get the 911 number. I still havent figurred it out"

"BURN!" yelled Kisame, as Hidan was left speechless over Tobi's inappropriate lingo.

"AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH! I heard pervert Kisame! Tobi! Be a good boy and HELP!" Itachi yelled.

Kisame almost started crying. "NOT NICE ITACHI! I am not a pervert! What makes you think such a terrible thing about me"

Tobi sighed, knowing he was the only one that actually cared that Dei had just fainted. "You fuckers never help me!" he yelled.

Itachi snorted. "I thought you were a good boy"

"I IS a good boy you asshole!" Tobi exclaimed using inappropriate language and grammer. "Im going to go wake up Deidara"

"When did he fall asleep? Its not like ANYthing normal we try to do turns out to be boring, especailly dinner now." Itachi asked.

"IDIOT! He fainted"

"Whatever Tobi" he said.

"I AM NOT TOBI I AM THE UCHIHA MADARA!" Madara bellowed. Zetzu 1 and 2 sighed."He has snapped. Luckily, i know how to make him tobi again"

Zetzu gave Tobi a peice of candy-it worked...yeah.

TOBI TIME!not really

Pein slipped away to go back to his peacful dinner with Konan in all this turmoil.

When Tobi sat down to eat he and the others looked over to Itachi who was having trouble locating his food.

"Need help?" Kisame asked.

"NO! Especailly not from a perverted freako!" he said, and felt the table for his food. He located his hand, and thinking it was the sushi, jammed his fork into it. "OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!" he screamed.

Kisame stood up. "You all made this terrible dinner on purpose." as he backed out of the room, his eyes narrowed. "You will all die!!" The sound of thunder could be heard, and it grew dark. Everyone shivered, except Dei, who was still unconscious. Suddenly,the room brightened up. "Well bye!" Kisame said cheerfully and skipped out of the room humming what was most likely the spongebob intro.

"Good riddance." itachi muttered, sucking his hand where he had stabbed it. He put the fork down and began eating with his hands. Unfortunately, he was eating off of Deidara's plate, but no one saw any problem with this.

"Thats Deidaras food Itachi san." Tobi said, giggling.

"Deidara doesn't seem to have a problem with it!" Kakazu said.

"Um, are you blind?" Zetzu#1 screeched at Kakazu. "He is unconscious"

Itachi looked hurt. "Sorry." Zetzu#1 said quietly.

Hidan quietly seized a pen and wrote SASORI WUZ HEER on Deidars forehead. Everyone snickered. "He'll be so fooled!" Zetzu#2 laughed.

"What? Whats so funny?" Itachi asked simply.

"Tell ya later." Kakazu said, who was now looting through Dei's wallet.

Tobi sighed. "why Do you do these things to poor Dei-chan?"

Kakazu quickly thought up a lie because he REALLY wanted the money in Dei's wallet. "He has not been a good boy." Everyone snickered but Tobi nodded. "I shall give him a lecture when he wakes up."

"Deidara is asleep?" Itachi asked. "Oh, lord." Kakazu sighed.

"LORD JAISHIN? WHERE?"

"Shut up Hidan." Zetzu said.

"YOUR MOM!"

"My mom is an oreo." Zetzu #1 said seriously.

"Mine was Mrs. Krabs." Kakazu yelled.

"MINE IS DEAD!" itachi cried.

"Mine is a pumpkin!" Tobi yelled.

Out of nowhere, Ino popped in yelling, "Deidara is MY mom!"

Dinners at the hidout were never quite the same...


End file.
